When someone we care about is struggling with substance use disorder (SUD), our first instinct is to help them in any way we can. In turn, we may offer them money, shelter, excuses, or repeated chances, believing our support for them will ease their suffering or eventually lead them to seek help. However, too often our well-meaning efforts become patterns of behavior that unintentionally allow the addiction to continue or worsen. This negative cycle of behavior is known as “enabling,” which refers to specific behaviors that shield or protect a loved one from the negative consequences of their substance use.
Enabling can look like covering for missed work, paying their bills, denying or minimizing the addiction, or avoiding difficult conversations to keep the peace. These actions seem compassionate, but they create an environment where the person with the SUD does not have to face the reality of their choices. Although enabling often stems from a place of love, it can prevent the person from fully recognizing the impact of their behavior and may delay their motivation to seek treatment.
Unfortunately, enabling behaviors are prevalent among family members and close friends because watching someone self-destruct is painful, and stepping in often feels like the only way to reduce the chaos. In many families, addiction brings feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion. People may also fear losing the relationship or provoking anger by setting boundaries. As a result, enabling becomes a coping mechanism, one that helps the enabler feel some sense of control over an otherwise uncontrollable situation. However, enabling may bring temporary relief but often causes long-term harm.
Therefore, helping someone with a substance use disorder means being honest, setting healthy boundaries, and supporting recovery, not addiction. This might include refusing to give money, requiring that they attend treatment to remain in your home, or no longer lying on their behalf. It means expressing love while making it clear that their behavior is unacceptable. These actions can feel harsh, but they are often the push needed for someone to recognize the seriousness of their condition.
Dr. Charles C. Brown
Malcolm X College